Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

[mattpeneguy]

[KaMei]

[mattpeneguy]

[mattpeneguy]

[DennisD]

[mattpeneguy]

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Can they also replace the monkeys in animal testing trials?

[DennisD]

Can they also replace the monkeys in animal testing trials?

There are far too many numbnuts CEO's available, so.... by all means!


You were referring to the pool of monkey alternatives at DSS, right?


Notice the LACK of purple font in the above.

[mattpeneguy]

There are far too many numbnuts CEO's available, so.... by all means!


You were referring to the pool of monkey alternatives at DSS, right?


Notice the LACK of purple font in the above.

Not particularly, but that'd be a good place to start.

[KaMei]

[DennisD]

[mattpeneguy]

Solved that problem...

[mattpeneguy]

[KaMei]

[mattpeneguy]

[mattpeneguy]

[MJuric]

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This kind of stuff makes me insane. We just continue to build worse and worse products "Because they are cheap" without ever stopping and consider if Cheap+Cheap+Cheap+Cheap+Cheap>Expensive. I mean really, Is replacing my $500 dishwasher every 4-5 years less expensive than paying $1000 for one that lasts 15 years? NO!

I had radiant floor heat in a house. That heat came from a boiler that was made in 1972. I had an HVAC guy in and asked if it made sense to replace it for efficiency. HE flat told me no. He said if I replaced it I'd be replacing it every 5-7 years and that with a few repair parts the one I had would probably last another 20 years.

On the same subject I had a guy tell me he was working on a boiler in an old house in town. He was looking for some identification and he ran into a Nazi Swastika on the casting. Turns out the thing was installed in 1938, was from Germany before the war. At the time that boiler was 80+ years old....still going.

[mattpeneguy]

This kind of stuff makes me insane. We just continue to build worse and worse products "Because they are cheap" without ever stopping and consider if Cheap+Cheap+Cheap+Cheap+Cheap>Expensive. I mean really, Is replacing my $500 dishwasher every 4-5 years less expensive than paying $1000 for one that lasts 15 years? NO!

I had radiant floor heat in a house. That heat came from a boiler that was made in 1972. I had an HVAC guy in and asked if it made sense to replace it for efficiency. HE flat told me no. He said if I replaced it I'd be replacing it every 5-7 years and that with a few repair parts the one I had would probably last another 20 years.

On the same subject I had a guy tell me he was working on a boiler in an old house in town. He was looking for some identification and he ran into a Nazi Swastika on the casting. Turns out the thing was installed in 1938, was from Germany before the war. At the time that boiler was 80+ years old....still going.

I'm with ya. Our dryer went out and I couldn't get the motor off the frame. So, I put it at the curb and got a used one off of Craigslist. EVERY new dryer comes with a circuit board, even the ones that look like they have analog controls have a board in them...FOR NO REASON other than it's cheaper. I've fixed both our washer and dryer multiple times and won't buy new ones.
But, we bought a new range and fridge. So first thing I did was bought surge protectors for them, but we'll see...

[MJuric]

I'm with ya. Our dryer went out and I couldn't get the motor off the frame. So, I put it at the curb and got a used one off of Craigslist. EVERY new dryer comes with a circuit board, even the ones that look like they have analog controls have a board in them...FOR NO REASON other than it's cheaper. I've fixed both our washer and dryer multiple times and won't buy new ones.
But, we bought a new range and fridge. So first thing I did was bought surge protectors for them, but we'll see...

I have a friend that is an EE. HE says that his appliances go out like everyone one elses. He however pulls the boards out and finds the offending component. He told he me that he's replaced sub dollar components multiple times that made the various appliances work again.

So essentially our $500 appliances are being held hostage by a $.50 cent diode or capacitor.

I had two decent TV's die over a couple years. I found a place that sold all the boards for both of them. I think I spent less than $100 on boards for both TV's. One of them came back to life after I replaced the boards and is still working a couple years later.

[mattpeneguy]

[matt]

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Yeah, that's gonna be a painful shiner that'll last a couple weeks.

[mattpeneguy]

[mattpeneguy]

Reminds me...Many years ago, I wrote "To: Satan" on a check I sent to pay my phone bill...I really didn't like dealing with them. I printed the processed check and put it on my fridge.

[MJuric]

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Reminds me...Many years ago, I wrote "To: Satan" on a check I sent to pay my phone bill...I really didn't like dealing with them. I printed the processed check and put it on my fridge.

When I owned my business one of my employees was getting divorced. His wife's divorce attorney was being a real prick. One day I had had enough and printed out an invoice for $500 with "For wasting my F@#!*&G time"...without the special characters and faxed it to her.

Three days later the Sheriff walked thru the front door with a Subpoena to appear. She never paid my invoice either

[mattpeneguy]

[mattpeneguy]

[DennisD]

So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.
Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?
Me - excuse me?
Her - you are wasting our bags!
Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.
Her - that's not my job!
Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you.
Her - why are you using two bags?!
Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.
Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.
*10 seconds of me just staring at her.
Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.
Her - exactly.
Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.
Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.
*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.
Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.
Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.
*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.
Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?
Her- never mind you just don't get it.
And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.

[KaMei]

[mattpeneguy]

[mattpeneguy]

This stuff goes in there, right?

[mattpeneguy]

So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.
Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?
Me - excuse me?
Her - you are wasting our bags!
Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.
Her - that's not my job!
Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you.
Her - why are you using two bags?!
Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.
Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.
*10 seconds of me just staring at her.
Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.
Her - exactly.
Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.
Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.
*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.
Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.
Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.
*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.
Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?
Her- never mind you just don't get it.
And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.

@DennisD,
Quit being rude and wasting plastic bags...

[DennisD]

Last year it was toilet paper, then hand sanitizer. I guess this will be next. . .

Hurry!! Get your Whorestershire sauce!! You know, for your whores.

[MJuric]

image.png
This stuff goes in there, right?
image.png

When I was in HS I worked at a gas station...a real one that had full service gas and bays for car repairs...not a convenience store that happens to sell gas.

So one day a guy pulls in saying that his car is running really badly. He informs us that he had just changed the oil in the car and replaced the transmission fluid...."So that should be good...Right!?"

Well not so much if you put the engine oil in the tube that goes to the transmission and the transmission oil in the hole where the engine oil is supposed to go.

[MJuric]

So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.
Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?
Me - excuse me?
Her - you are wasting our bags!
Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.
Her - that's not my job!
Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you.
Her - why are you using two bags?!
Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.
Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.
*10 seconds of me just staring at her.
Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.
Her - exactly.
Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.
Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.
*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.
Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.
Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.
*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.
Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?
Her- never mind you just don't get it.
And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.

That's classic, good thing you didn't triple bag and try that math

I can't tell you how many times I've had a bill of some sort come to something like $6.51 and I hand the person $11.51 and I just get a blank stare. I've actually had to argue with people many times to get them to give me a $5 bill, or a $10 bill etc. More times then not they say "You paid to much" and hand me everything back except the $10 or whatever. It's even more entertaining when they finally give in and type the number into the magical calculator machine and the result is $5, $10 etc. in change. The looks of "You must be a wizard" you get are priceless.

[SPerman]

I was at the local home improvement warehouse last week, and right in front of the contractors door was a beautiful brand new pickup with a fancy decal on the side advertising that they did "all kinds of constrution work."

[MJuric]

I was at the local home improvement warehouse last week, and right in front of the contractors door was a beautiful brand new pickup with a fancy decal on the side advertising that they did "all kinds of constrution work."

When I was 20 I was absolutely awful with spelling, grammar etc. 30 years later I'd consider myself pretty good by todays standards....although I haven't really gotten any better.

I find it absolutely stunning how horrific of problem this has become. I very regularly see misspelled words, poor grammar and sentences that just do not meet the standard of whatever language they are attempting to convey. Newspapers, letters sent home by teachers and faculty, magazines and that says nothing about the plethora of web pages, blogs, online articles that are just painful to the point of being unreadable at times.

[bnemec]

When I was 20 I was absolutely awful with spelling, grammar etc. 30 years later I'd consider myself pretty good by todays standards....although I haven't really gotten any better.

I find it absolutely stunning how horrific of problem this has become. I very regularly see misspelled words, poor grammar and sentences that just do not meet the standard of whatever language they are attempting to convey. Newspapers, letters sent home by teachers and faculty, magazines and that says nothing about the plethora of web pages, blogs, online articles that are just painful to the point of being unreadable at times.

like this one?
https://www.google.com/search?q=plover+water+tower

[MJuric]

like this one?
https://www.google.com/search?q=plover+water+tower

Is that a spelling error or a "Yep still drunk from last night" error.

[DennisD]

When I was 20 I was absolutely awful with spelling, grammar etc. 30 years later I'd consider myself pretty good by todays standards....although I haven't really gotten any better.

I find it absolutely stunning how horrific of problem this has become. I very regularly see misspelled words, poor grammar and sentences that just do not meet the standard of whatever language they are attempting to convey. Newspapers, letters sent home by teachers and faculty, magazines and that says nothing about the plethora of web pages, blogs, online articles that are just painful to the point of being unreadable at times.

To make your point. . .

[KaMei]

[jayar]

Crappy-Design-Funny-Worst-Fails-63-5f3e8af146f8c__700.jpg

What could possibly go wrong?

[MJuric]

To make your point. . .
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Maybe, just maybe, people should actually have some regrets....like not learning to spell.

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[DennisD]

By the time a Navy pilot pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Marine pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy pilot assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Navy Pilot came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Navy pilot.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' ...and he sat up all night watching me."

[mattpeneguy]

Stepping up his game:

[mattpeneguy]

[mattpeneguy]

[SamSpade]

[jayar]

I may not be able to afford to drink anymore.

[mattpeneguy]

I may not be able to afford to drink anymore.

Even though it's expensive the good news is that it's gluten free...

[mattpeneguy]

[mattpeneguy]