Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Thu Aug 12, 2021 10:17 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Thu Aug 12, 2021 11:02 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 9:23 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 9:25 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 10:15 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 10:25 am

DennisD wrote: ↑Fri Aug 13, 2021 10:15 amimage.png

: image.png (251.11 KiB) Viewed 6658 times

He only needed to kill one of them...

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 10:51 am

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Fri Aug 13, 2021 10:25 am image.png
He only needed to kill one of them...

Touché!!

MJuric · Unread post by **MJuric** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 11:56 am

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Fri Aug 13, 2021 10:25 am image.png
He only needed to kill one of them...

Better to be safe. You never know you might kill the male after they already had their fun time...

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 12:10 pm

So THIS is what the Delta variant is!!!

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 3:25 pm

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 9:15 am

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Don’t mess with old people!

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 9:47 am

Oops...

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 9:48 am

Genius...or fraud?

MJuric · Unread post by **MJuric** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 12:13 pm

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Mon Aug 16, 2021 9:48 am Genius...or fraud?
image.png

It's only fraud if he advertised it as something it wasn't. If people are willing to send someone $49.95 based on the words "Solar Dryer"...that's on them.

That's like all the spoofs on Dihydrogen Monoxide. If I put out an advertisement for 16oz of Dihydrogen Monoxide with all it's benefits and I put a price on it of $49.95....That may make me an *butt-sphincter*, but I'm not committing fraud

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 1:06 pm

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Tue Aug 17, 2021 12:23 pm

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Tue Aug 17, 2021 12:24 pm

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Tue Aug 17, 2021 3:13 pm

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Wed Aug 18, 2021 8:55 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Wed Aug 18, 2021 8:57 am

matt · Unread post by **matt** » Wed Aug 18, 2021 9:38 am

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Wed Aug 18, 2021 8:55 amimage.png

Yeah, really. What's the deal with oxygen anyway? Everyone blames the Hindenberg explosion on hydrogen, but without oxygen, there wouldn't have been an explosion. And plants make it, must be why we're on a mission to cut down all the trees and burn them (which ironically also takes oxygen).

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Wed Aug 18, 2021 9:48 am

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Wed Aug 18, 2021 8:57 am

image.png (158.54 KiB) Viewed 6541 times

Apparently, Matt, nobody asked us this question about you. They would have gotten the same answer, by the way.

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Thu Aug 19, 2021 12:40 pm

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Thu Aug 19, 2021 12:42 pm

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Thu Aug 19, 2021 12:53 pm

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Thu Aug 19, 2021 12:42 pm

image.png (157.88 KiB) Viewed 6510 times

Well played, grasshopper!

MJuric · Unread post by **MJuric** » Thu Aug 19, 2021 1:19 pm

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Wed Aug 18, 2021 8:55 amimage.png

http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

matt · Unread post by **matt** » Thu Aug 19, 2021 2:19 pm

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Thu Aug 19, 2021 12:42 pmimage.png

Very funny. I almost fell for that one. Should have used that one last April...

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Fri Aug 20, 2021 9:24 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Fri Aug 20, 2021 9:25 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Fri Aug 20, 2021 10:02 am

zxys001 · Unread post by **zxys001** » Fri Aug 20, 2021 1:21 pm

Jeopardy in the news...

zxys001 · Unread post by **zxys001** » Fri Aug 20, 2021 1:59 pm

MJuric wrote: ↑Thu Aug 19, 2021 1:19 pm http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

... DHMO... geezus... the chem which solves (causes?) all problems, I'm surprised it is not, (check,..omg, it probably is?).. a solution to covid?

ah,.. finally found an ad from people who think they're super funny.

zxys001 · Unread post by **zxys001** » Fri Aug 20, 2021 2:04 pm

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Fri Aug 13, 2021 10:25 am image.png
He only needed to kill one of them...

Why blame Noah?

SPerman · Unread post by **SPerman** » Fri Aug 20, 2021 3:41 pm

zxys001 wrote: ↑Fri Aug 20, 2021 1:21 pm Jeopardy in the news...

They've pretty much killed any enthusiasm I had for the show. Between the list of guest hosts, and then giving the job to a producer no one wanted, I'm over it.

jcapriotti · Unread post by **jcapriotti** » Fri Aug 20, 2021 4:03 pm

zxys001 wrote: ↑Fri Aug 20, 2021 2:04 pm Why blame Noah?

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Sun Aug 22, 2021 3:33 pm

EAGLE CREEK GOLF CLUB AND GRILL is at EAGLE CREEK GOLF CLUB AND GRILL.
August 21, 2019 Moyock, NC
We at EAGLE CREEK GOLF CLUB would like to congratulate GOD on his almighty hole in 1 on hole #7. Not sure what tees He played or what the distance was or what club He used, but what a great shot!

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Mon Aug 23, 2021 10:47 am

Chicago Style Pizza.

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Mon Aug 23, 2021 12:00 pm

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Mon Aug 23, 2021 12:03 pm

MJuric · Unread post by **MJuric** » Tue Aug 24, 2021 8:16 am

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Mon Aug 23, 2021 12:03 pmimage.png

Hmmm...now we know where the term "Tossing the salad" came from...

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Tue Aug 24, 2021 8:25 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Tue Aug 24, 2021 8:31 am

matt · Unread post by **matt** » Tue Aug 24, 2021 9:36 am

um. I never thought I'd be in this position.

We have a mixed audience here that supports the forum. This really isn't the place for questionable or suggestive stuff. I do want everyone to feel welcome.

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Tue Aug 24, 2021 10:01 am

Glenn Schroeder · Tue Aug 24, 2021 10:22 am

matt wrote: ↑Tue Aug 24, 2021 9:36 am um. I never thought I'd be in this position.

We have a mixed audience here that supports the forum. This really isn't the place for questionable or suggestive stuff. I do want everyone to feel welcome.

I'm assuming you had to remove a post. I'm sorry it happened, but if this was the first time I'm surprised it took this long.

matt · Unread post by **matt** » Tue Aug 24, 2021 10:51 am

Glenn Schroeder wrote: ↑Tue Aug 24, 2021 10:22 am I'm assuming you had to remove a post. I'm sorry it happened, but if this was the first time I'm surprised it took this long.

No, not the first time. It's getting more frequent, though, and I let a few slide.

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Wed Aug 25, 2021 8:19 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Wed Aug 25, 2021 8:21 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Wed Aug 25, 2021 11:18 am

SPerman · Unread post by **SPerman** » Wed Aug 25, 2021 6:20 pm

Sadly, this wasn't said as a joke. I think he has a future at DSS if he ever decides to leave McLaren.