Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Thu Jun 15, 2023 9:59 am

: Enkv0MzXUAE6tMi.png (32.62 KiB) Viewed 21919 times

Frederick_Law · Thu Jun 15, 2023 2:49 pm

I had 2 coffee already.
Might need another.
So I'll hate everyone equally.

Ömür Tokman · Fri Jun 16, 2023 4:16 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Mon Jun 19, 2023 9:06 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Wed Jun 21, 2023 3:28 am

zxys001 · Unread post by **zxys001** » Wed Jun 21, 2023 9:06 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Thu Jun 22, 2023 1:42 am

Frederick_Law · Fri Jun 23, 2023 10:52 am

Our new product will be called "Titan".

Tera · Unread post by **Tera** » Fri Jun 23, 2023 9:40 pm

Ömür Tokman · Sat Jun 24, 2023 1:17 pm

[quote=zxys001 post_id=29366 time=1687352809 user_id=358
[/quote]

I thought flying cars were in trend and I didn't think technology would advance this much.

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Mon Jun 26, 2023 1:41 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Wed Jun 28, 2023 1:47 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Thu Jun 29, 2023 9:42 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Mon Jul 03, 2023 3:15 am

zxys001 · Unread post by **zxys001** » Tue Jul 04, 2023 1:58 pm

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Wed Jul 05, 2023 6:01 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Wed Jul 05, 2023 1:24 pm

This is very bad of me....

..... I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

.... I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

.... I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

.... Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

.... I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

.... I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

.... ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

.... I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

..... Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

..... Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

..... I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

..... I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

..... And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

..... I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

..... I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

... And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

... And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a penny coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

... I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

... If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

... Oh, and by the way...

... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

... Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Thu Jul 06, 2023 2:26 am

zxys001 · Unread post by **zxys001** » Thu Jul 06, 2023 11:47 am

..our July calendar started out pretty good, no?

Frederick_Law · Thu Jul 06, 2023 4:48 pm

My silence doesn't mean I agree with you.
It's just every one I came up with will get me fired.

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Fri Jul 07, 2023 1:54 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Wed Jul 12, 2023 7:39 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Mon Jul 17, 2023 3:42 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Tue Jul 18, 2023 2:56 am

Frederick_Law · Tue Jul 18, 2023 11:39 am

Reduce the Future to a loonie and I'll buy.

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Wed Jul 19, 2023 6:53 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Thu Jul 20, 2023 8:45 am

zxys001 · Unread post by **zxys001** » Thu Jul 20, 2023 10:28 am

oh yeah, forgot to start my buckit list,..

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Fri Jul 21, 2023 2:20 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Fri Jul 21, 2023 1:41 pm

Looks like a nice weekend:

Good news is that it's also very humid...

Glenn Schroeder · Fri Jul 21, 2023 2:01 pm

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Fri Jul 21, 2023 1:41 pm Looks like a nice weekend:
image.png
Good news is that it's also very humid...

Would you like to trade?

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Mon Jul 24, 2023 7:09 am

Frederick_Law · Mon Jul 24, 2023 12:52 pm

How I looks like at work:

Tera · Unread post by **Tera** » Mon Jul 24, 2023 7:48 pm

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Tue Jul 25, 2023 7:57 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Thu Jul 27, 2023 2:43 am

Frederick_Law · Thu Jul 27, 2023 12:36 pm

And go to gym.

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Fri Jul 28, 2023 2:04 am

zxys001 · Unread post by **zxys001** » Fri Jul 28, 2023 10:23 am

Frederick_Law · Fri Jul 28, 2023 10:30 am

Silence with duct tape is diamond.

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Fri Jul 28, 2023 12:58 pm

Frederick_Law wrote: ↑Fri Jul 28, 2023 10:30 am Silence with duct tape is diamond.

Wrong, we are talking about metals here. The correct answer is platinum.

Frederick_Law · Fri Jul 28, 2023 1:21 pm

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Fri Jul 28, 2023 12:58 pm Wrong, we are talking about metals here. The correct answer is platinum.

Have to look it up:

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Fri Jul 28, 2023 3:14 pm

Frederick_Law wrote: ↑Fri Jul 28, 2023 1:21 pm Have to look it up:
MetalPrice-01.jpg

Wow, I always thought platinum was more expensive than gold...

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Fri Jul 28, 2023 3:20 pm

Frederick_Law wrote: ↑Fri Jul 28, 2023 1:21 pm Have to look it up:
MetalPrice-01.jpg

That reminds me. Years ago one of the electrical engineers here put a place holder for the material for a bus bar, intending to go fix it later. It went out with the place holder still in the plans...Platinum-Iridium...I guess the electrical contractor didn't look at the plans too closely and didn't catch it, but that had to be an interesting phone call.

DanPihlaja · Unread post by **DanPihlaja** » Fri Jul 28, 2023 3:23 pm

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Fri Jul 28, 2023 3:14 pm Wow, I always thought platinum was more expensive than gold...

It was:

Frederick_Law · Fri Jul 28, 2023 4:26 pm

Joking with engineers is no joke.

How many engineer you need to kill a joke?

jcapriotti · Unread post by **jcapriotti** » Fri Jul 28, 2023 4:51 pm

mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Fri Jul 28, 2023 3:14 pm Wow, I always thought platinum was more expensive than gold...

You didn't play D&D by chance?

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Mon Jul 31, 2023 1:21 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Tue Aug 01, 2023 1:39 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Wed Aug 02, 2023 3:40 am