Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

For things you would put in a kitty dump.
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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I had 2 coffee already.
Might need another.
So I'll hate everyone equally.
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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"Democracies aren't overthrown; they're given away." -George Lucas
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Our new product will be called "Titan".
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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[quote=zxys001 post_id=29366 time=1687352809 user_id=358
[/quote]

I thought flying cars were in trend and I didn't think technology would advance this much.
You ˹alone˺ we worship and You ˹alone˺ we ask for help.
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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..
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"Democracies aren't overthrown; they're given away." -George Lucas
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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This is very bad of me....

..... I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

.... I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

.... I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

.... Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

.... I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

.... I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

.... ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

.... I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

..... Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

..... Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

..... I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

..... I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

..... And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

..... I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

..... I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

... And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

... And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a penny coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

... I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

... If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

... Oh, and by the way...

... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

... Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.
Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls aren't there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show us how badly we want things.
- - -Randy Pausch
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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..our July calendar started out pretty good, no? ()
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"Democracies aren't overthrown; they're given away." -George Lucas
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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My silence doesn't mean I agree with you.
It's just every one I came up with will get me fired.
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Reduce the Future to a loonie and I'll buy.
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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oh yeah, forgot to start my buckit list,..
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"Democracies aren't overthrown; they're given away." -George Lucas
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Looks like a nice weekend:
image.png
Good news is that it's also very humid...
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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mattpeneguy wrote: Fri Jul 21, 2023 1:41 pm Looks like a nice weekend:
image.png
Good news is that it's also very humid...
Would you like to trade?

image.png
"On the days when I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, well, I have really good days."

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How I looks like at work:
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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And go to gym.
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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..
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"Democracies aren't overthrown; they're given away." -George Lucas
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Silence with duct tape is diamond.
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Frederick_Law wrote: Fri Jul 28, 2023 10:30 am Silence with duct tape is diamond.
Wrong, we are talking about metals here. The correct answer is platinum.
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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mattpeneguy wrote: Fri Jul 28, 2023 12:58 pm Wrong, we are talking about metals here. The correct answer is platinum.
Have to look it up:
MetalPrice-01.jpg
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Frederick_Law wrote: Fri Jul 28, 2023 1:21 pm Have to look it up:
MetalPrice-01.jpg
Wow, I always thought platinum was more expensive than gold...
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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Frederick_Law wrote: Fri Jul 28, 2023 1:21 pm Have to look it up:
MetalPrice-01.jpg
That reminds me. Years ago one of the electrical engineers here put a place holder for the material for a bus bar, intending to go fix it later. It went out with the place holder still in the plans...Platinum-Iridium...I guess the electrical contractor didn't look at the plans too closely and didn't catch it, but that had to be an interesting phone call.
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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mattpeneguy wrote: Fri Jul 28, 2023 3:14 pm Wow, I always thought platinum was more expensive than gold...
It was:
image.png
-Dan Pihlaja
Solidworks 2022 SP4

2 Corinthians 13:14
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

Unread post by Frederick_Law »

Joking with engineers is no joke.

How many engineer you need to kill a joke?
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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mattpeneguy wrote: Fri Jul 28, 2023 3:14 pm Wow, I always thought platinum was more expensive than gold...
You didn't play D&D by chance? ;)
Jason
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

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