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Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
- Frederick_Law
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
I had 2 coffee already.
Might need another.
So I'll hate everyone equally.
Might need another.
So I'll hate everyone equally.
- Ömür Tokman
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- zxys001
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
"Democracies aren't overthrown; they're given away." -George Lucas
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
- Frederick_Law
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
Our new product will be called "Titan".
- Ömür Tokman
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
[quote=zxys001 post_id=29366 time=1687352809 user_id=358
[/quote]
I thought flying cars were in trend and I didn't think technology would advance this much.
[/quote]
I thought flying cars were in trend and I didn't think technology would advance this much.
You ˹alone˺ we worship and You ˹alone˺ we ask for help.
- zxys001
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
..
"Democracies aren't overthrown; they're given away." -George Lucas
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
This is very bad of me....
..... I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
.... I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
.... I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
.... Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
.... I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
.... I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
.... ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
.... I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
..... Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
..... Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
..... I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
..... I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
..... And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
..... I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
..... I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..
... And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .
... And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a penny coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
... I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
... If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!
... Oh, and by the way...
... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
... Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.
..... I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
.... I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
.... I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
.... Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
.... I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
.... I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
.... ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
.... I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
..... Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
..... Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
..... I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
..... I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
..... And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
..... I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
..... I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..
... And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .
... And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a penny coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
... I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
... If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!
... Oh, and by the way...
... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
... Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.
Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls aren't there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show us how badly we want things.
- - -Randy Pausch
- - -Randy Pausch
- zxys001
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
..our July calendar started out pretty good, no?
"Democracies aren't overthrown; they're given away." -George Lucas
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
- Frederick_Law
- Posts: 1941
- Joined: Mon Mar 08, 2021 1:09 pm
- Location: Toronto
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
My silence doesn't mean I agree with you.
It's just every one I came up with will get me fired.
It's just every one I came up with will get me fired.
- Frederick_Law
- Posts: 1941
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
Reduce the Future to a loonie and I'll buy.
- zxys001
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
oh yeah, forgot to start my buckit list,..
"Democracies aren't overthrown; they're given away." -George Lucas
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
- mattpeneguy
- Posts: 1386
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
Looks like a nice weekend:
Good news is that it's also very humid...
- Glenn Schroeder
- Posts: 1516
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
Would you like to trade?mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Fri Jul 21, 2023 1:41 pm Looks like a nice weekend:
image.png
Good news is that it's also very humid...
"On the days when I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, well, I have really good days."
Ray Wylie Hubbard in his song "Mother Blues"
Ray Wylie Hubbard in his song "Mother Blues"
- Frederick_Law
- Posts: 1941
- Joined: Mon Mar 08, 2021 1:09 pm
- Location: Toronto
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
How I looks like at work:
- Frederick_Law
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
And go to gym.
- zxys001
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
..
"Democracies aren't overthrown; they're given away." -George Lucas
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
“We only protect what we love, we only love what we understand, and we only understand what we are taught.” - Jacques Cousteau
- Frederick_Law
- Posts: 1941
- Joined: Mon Mar 08, 2021 1:09 pm
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
Silence with duct tape is diamond.
- mattpeneguy
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
Wrong, we are talking about metals here. The correct answer is platinum.
- Frederick_Law
- Posts: 1941
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
Have to look it up:mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Fri Jul 28, 2023 12:58 pm Wrong, we are talking about metals here. The correct answer is platinum.
- mattpeneguy
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
Wow, I always thought platinum was more expensive than gold...
- mattpeneguy
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
That reminds me. Years ago one of the electrical engineers here put a place holder for the material for a bus bar, intending to go fix it later. It went out with the place holder still in the plans...Platinum-Iridium...I guess the electrical contractor didn't look at the plans too closely and didn't catch it, but that had to be an interesting phone call.
- DanPihlaja
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
It was:mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Fri Jul 28, 2023 3:14 pm Wow, I always thought platinum was more expensive than gold...
-Dan Pihlaja
Solidworks 2022 SP4
2 Corinthians 13:14
Solidworks 2022 SP4
2 Corinthians 13:14
- Frederick_Law
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
Joking with engineers is no joke.
How many engineer you need to kill a joke?
How many engineer you need to kill a joke?
- jcapriotti
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Re: Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)
You didn't play D&D by chance?mattpeneguy wrote: ↑Fri Jul 28, 2023 3:14 pm Wow, I always thought platinum was more expensive than gold...
Jason